What Does Dysphoria Feel Like?

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I have many alarm clocks.

There’s the daily timer set on my phone, given the optimistic hour of 7AM with several back ups for when I inevitably decide to roll over and pull my girlfriend close.

There’s Hobbes, leader of our feline trio. He’s an expert at sticking his whiskery muzzle against the bottom of the door the moment he hears motion in the bedroom. I’ve learned to categorize his cries, as well, from the commanding to the plaintive.

There’s the neighbor who leaves for work at 6AM every day, their ultra-bright headlights angled right towards my bedroom window.

But dysphoria is worst of all.

Imagine going to sleep in your bed and waking up in an icy cold pool, your heart hammering as your brain struggles to come online. Those panicked seconds when you’re aware you’re awake but it’s almost impossible to process what’s happening to you. That’s how dysphoria rings the alarm, when I’m shocked into a consciousness that feels wrong — that I have somehow woken up where I should not be. In a body that I should not be in.

If you go and Google dysphoria, the first results are clinical. The Mayo Clinic, one of the top hits, summarizes:

Gender dysphoria is different from simply not conforming to stereotypical gender role behavior. Gender dysphoria…